Former DePaul thrower Noelle Malkamaki finds identity in Paralympic shot put ring

Noelle Malkamaki has faced challenges with her identity her whole life.

Competing as a high school athlete in Decatur, Illinois, Malkamaki, whose right hand never developed due to amniotic band syndrome, never felt she was good enough to continue throwing shot put in college.

But she was.

Halfway through her college career at DePaul, when she was first introduced to parasports, Malkamaki didn't know if she belonged in this other form of competition.

In her own words, she wasn't sure if she was "disabled enough."

Two years later, Malkamaki is headed to the Paris Paralympics for Team USA and is starting to embrace it was never about being "disabled enough." 

It was simply about being good enough.

"I've competed against able-bodied athletes my entire life; I didn't come across adaptive sports until a couple years ago," Malkamaki said. "So that's how I formed my identity as an athlete was playing with and against people who look a little different than me, don't have the same hardships that I do with training, and I've always had to work a little bit harder to try to compensate for that."

With that background, it was natural for Malkamaki to question her identity as an athlete when she was introduced to parasport by DePaul coach Brandon Murer during her junior season and presented with the notion that competition could be closer to equal.

Malkamaki recalled, "I've always been on this uneven playing field, so what happens when the playing field is even? Who am I as an athlete? What is it like when I don't feel disabled enough for this and I don't feel exactly equal in this? How do I make those ends meet?"

Her questions were telling.   

"I look back on that a lot because it was so clear that I never took the time to think about and reflect on my identity as a disabled person at all," she said.  "Not for any reason, necessarily, just because it never came up."

Therapy has also helped Malkamaki find balance in her identity as she bounced from college to parasport competition. She says her sports psychologist reminds her that even when she feels like two athletes, she is one.

She is also reminded that the weight of the shot is the same, the ring is the same and the training is the same.

Given track and field is an individual sport, how she approaches competition should also be the same.

"If you want to, you can remove competitors from the equation," she said. "It doesn't matter what anyone else is throwing at college or a para meet because if I'm just always trying to throw as far as possible, the challenge is the same either way."

At DePaul, where she recently concluded her college career, she scored a victory in the shot put at the 2023 Blue Demon Alumni Classic and placed in the top five in the shot put  at the 2023 and 2024 Big East outdoor championships. In 2023, she also had top five finishes in the hammer throw at the outdoor conference meet and the weight throw at the indoor conference meet.

In the para space, Malkamaki earned gold medals in the F46 shot put at the 2023 and 2024 World Para Athletics Championships. She also has set several world records in the event, most recently at the 2024 U.S. Paralympic team trials when she shattered her previous best of 13.32 meters with a heave of 13.60 meters.

And now, Malkamaki will vie for Paralympic gold when the finals get underway at 5:45 a.m. Eastern time Wednesday.

With her confidence arguably at an all-time high, Malkamaki admits it has come with its challenges when competing in both spaces.

"After winning the gold medal (at 2023 worlds), I see myself in this sphere, where when I throw at a para meet, the odds of a world record being broken are pretty high. And the odds that I get first are very, very high," she said. "And then I step back into my college shoes, and I'm not the best shot putter on my team. That's really challenging for me because it's like, well, what is being a good athlete, you know? How do I judge myself as a good athlete, when on one hand, I'm pretty dominant, and on the other, I'm working to keep up. I want to make finals at these college meets, and in para meets, I'm winning."

But now that she can solely focus on her para competition, Malkamaki credits the development of her identity to her time at DePaul. While she acknowledges schools like Alabama, Illinois and San Diego State for their programming for adaptive athletes, she views DePaul as a "role model" in the space.

"I've never experienced anything that made me think (DePaul) didn't think I was as elite of an athlete," she said.

Malkamaki, who graduated in December with a degree in English with a concentration in literary studies and recently completed her master's degree in writing rhetoric and discourse, pointed to recent examples of the school's support for her.

When Malkamaki competed at the 2023 World Para Athletics Championships in Paris, DePaul helped pay for her coach to travel to the competition, and the school did the same again this year for the Paralympics.

Malkamaki also noted to a recent conversation with Murer. The coach admitted that before Malkamaki went on her recruiting trip to DePaul, he had no idea she had just one hand.

Malkamaki recalls thinking: "I wish you'd have told me that sooner because you know it can feel like, 'Well, does he just like feel bad?' and it wasn't that way at all. I really, really appreciate that about Coach Murer. He just kind of sees me for the athlete that I am and the greatness that's there regardless of, you know, nothing taking into account."

Recently, Malkamaki received another sign of support from DePaul and the Big East when she was named one of the conference's two honorees for the 2024 NCAA Woman of the Year.

Now Malkamaki steps into the ring on the world's biggest stage, knowing she belongs and that she can help others who are dealing with those similar challenges with identity. 

"Thinking about other people who might feel the same way and have a similar disability, I want to be able to show them that there are multiple sides of you that can exist all at the same time," she said. "And being disabled looks a lot of different ways, and being an athlete looks a lot of different ways. So really, the future of the sport is a big reason why I came to terms with like, 'No, I absolutely have a place here because there's more that I think needs to be accomplished.'"

And that mindset, in a sense, now makes Malkamaki another thing: strong enough.