What advice would you give your freshman self?
Indiana volleyball senior Kari Zumach considers it a loaded question, but the answer she gives is at the core of her story.
"Coming into college, I wish I could tell 18-year-old Kari to trust others, to be honest with the people around her and not hide what she's going through," Zumach said. "I wish I could tell her that she's more than an athlete, that she has people around her who love her and are there to support her and that she doesn't have to go through this alone.
"Now that I'm older, I really do wish that I could let her know that everything's going to be OK, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I tell that to incoming freshmen now too, 'You're more than the mistakes you're going to make. Nobody's perfect. And be honest and open with the group that you've been provided with, and it will help you in the future.'"
In her college career, Zumach transformed from not understanding and hiding her mental health challenges to becoming an educated advocate who shares her experiences in any way she can to help others.
Her story with mental health starts at age 14, when she had her first anxiety attack. She didn't categorize it as such at the time, however, instead chalking it up to being a teenager going through a lot of changes.
Three years later, she began to take it more seriously.
"I couldn't find the energy to leave my room. I couldn't find the energy to get out of bed," she said of the challenges she faced at 17. "Showering, brushing my teeth, going to the bathroom took physical and mental energy that I didn't have, and it was really scary."
There were days when turning the lights on was "absolutely awful" and she preferred sitting in a dark corner of her room. Performing as a highly recruited volleyball player and successful student each day frequently became too much to bear because of her anxiety, which forced her mind to go "overtime," as she put it.
"I noticed that I didn't know anybody else that was going through this at the time, and simple tasks were so much harder for me than other people in my life. Leaving my room to go to practice, going to school was a chore, and I was always exhausted," she said. "Having to be awake, having to communicate with people, having to live an everyday life as a student and an athlete, it was exhausting. That's when my family and I realized something's going on here, that it's not necessarily normal that I'm experiencing these things."
Zumach considers it ironic she now studies psychology, but really it was a choice of self-discovery and understanding. She decided to pursue it as a senior in high school because she wanted to "learn more about mental health, initially, and kind of what was going on inside my head." Zumach said the answers she found lifted a "weight off my shoulders." These answers include healthy coping mechanisms like volleyball, music, poetry and tattoos, as well as stories of other female athletes who've faced similar challenges.
"The more educated I became on it, the better I was able to help myself and the better I was able to help my team and my coaches, the community around me because I could open up," she added. "I could verbally communicate with them that this was how I'm feeling, this is what I'm going through and this is how I need help."
Zumach suffered her first anxiety attack at age 14. Her anxiety became more worrisome in the years to come, making everyday tasks seem daunting. In college, Zumach has found relief through education and advocacy. "The more educated I became on it, the better I was able to help myself and the better I was able to help my team and my coaches, the community around me because I could open up," she said.
She hopes to help others all over the world reach this place. One of her career goals is to travel to developing countries to educate young people on the importance of mental health.
For now, she's trying her best to leverage her experiences and her platform as a Division I volleyball player on a Big Ten team to help others and increase awareness. This includes her team, to which she transferred in 2019 after one season at Creighton.
"Ever since I have met her, she has been very passionate about spreading awareness about mental health," Indiana senior outside hitter Breana Edwards said in a feature on Zumach last year. "What I respect most about her is that if you don't agree or have the same opinions as her, she doesn't argue but instead she will listen and try to understand why you hold that opinion. A lot of people can't do that, which shows her maturity. She is so strong and so confident in who she is."
This confidence has taken time to build. Even now, Zumach said she's not completely comfortable sharing her struggles. She continues to do so, however, because of the responsibility she feels to let others know it's OK to be open about their mental health challenges.
Zumach studies psychology at Indiana and hopes to use her story and degree to educate young people in developing countries on the importance of mental health.
A prime example is when Zumach first told her Indiana teammates about her mental health struggles. It was "kind of a shock" for them, she said. As a self-described "outgoing, loud, bubbly" person, Zumach somewhat expected this reaction.
"A lot of the time, because of the stigma around mental illness and mental health, you wouldn't assume that I go through these things," Zumach said. "So, when I told them, 'This is how I operate, this is what I struggle with,' they were taken aback a little bit at first, and then it was an immediate outpouring of support and love."
Zumach said some teammates even found the courage to share their mental health struggles because she was vulnerable to them. She's heard similar responses from strangers who've read about her story or who follow her on social media. Every time someone shares this type of response, Zumach is reassured she's doing the right thing, even if she's uncomfortable with it.
"It's not always easy to tell my story or what I've been through or what I struggle with, but at those moments it's completely worth it because I know I can help them," she said. "If I wouldn't have shared that aspect of my life, there might still be some girls who are struggling with things in secret, where now if they're comfortable coming to me and I'm able to be another source for them to get help, thankfully.
"I really, really, genuinely hope that someone maybe reads my story and recognizes that they're not alone, especially female athletes, especially young female athletes, because when I was in that position of my life, I felt completely isolated and alone. And I know if someone had been open or if I had found a story similar to mine, it may have helped me along the way."
While still uncomfortable sharing her mental health journey so publicly, the responses Zumach has received so far have affirmed her purpose for doing so. "I really, really, genuinely hope that someone maybe reads my story and recognizes that they're not alone, especially female athletes, especially young female athletes, because when I was in that position of my life, I felt completely isolated and alone. And I know if someone had been open or if I had found a story similar to mine, it may have helped me along the way," she said.
